Dear Rappers Everywhere,
Allow me to re-introduce myself: my name is . . . Brad. Unfortunately I don’t have a notorious moniker like HOVA or Snoop Dogg (Lion?). . . . Yet.
What I do have is hours and hours and hours . . . and hours of wasted time on social media. But all I’ve ever gotten from that is an inflated sense of self and a Klout score of 57. Klout, if you don’t know, is a company that scores individuals’ social media influence from 1 to 100 based on a person’s activity on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. A high Klout score is bonafide proof that people give a hoot about what you say, and that’s all anyone really craves anymore, right? Now, I’m no Justin Bieber (Score=100), but I do have some special insight that is sure to raise your score to bragging-rights levels. Think of me as your Klout-consultant. Ready to hear it?
POST MORE QUOTES FROM MORMON APOSTLES!!!
I’m not just making this up. Your hip hop boys Pharrell, LL Cool J and P-Diddy have already done it, and to astounding fanfare! Let’s just take a little look at Pharrell, the most recent person to hop on this hip bandwagon:
On August 14, 2013, Pharrell quoted Mormon Apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf and was retweeted nearly 7000 times! Listen, you know this tip is for real when quoting a Mormon Apostle gets you TWICE as many retweets as KERMIT THE FRIGGIN’ FROG, dude!
Next up, LL Cool J:
When LL Cool J quoted the late Gordon B. Hinckley, former President of the Mormon Church, he got well over TEN TIMES as many retweets as he usually does when he quotes famous people like Ralph Waldo Emerson or Booker T. Washington. That’s power!
Finally, let’s look at P. Diddy, the man who started it all back in December 2011:
There’s really not much more I can say. L Tom Perry, the 6-foot-4, 91-year old Mormon Apostle from Logan Utah earned him 2600 retweets whereas the rap legend P-Diddy himself hardly ever cracks 500 with his own words!
Look, here’s the deal: I’ve spun enough of your platinum tracks to know that your nearly unparalleled skills of wordsmithery are nothing to scoff at. But the fact of the matter is, you ain’t got nothin’ on these Mormon Apostles! Their messages are pithy, motivating, and deeply resonant. And what’s more, they’re ordained by Jesus Christ himself to proclaim these ideas for all the world to hear (no wonder they’re so good)!
So give the people what they really want and milk the sweet benefits that come with a high Klout score, baby! And if you need a few suggestions to get started, check these out:
“Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
“Remember that when you help another up a mountain, you are a little nearer the top yourself.” – Thomas S. Monson
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day” – Richard G Scott
“The soul is like a violin string: it makes music only when it is stretched.” – Neal A. Maxwell
“It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf
“We must develop the capacity to see men not as they are at present but as they may become.” – Thomas S. Monson
Also, if you tune in this Saturday and Sunday, you’ll get a chance to hear TEN HOURS worth of life-changing, Klout-exploding quotes at our semi-annual General Conference meeting. So turn on your TV, your iPhone, or your computer, and tune in with us. #ldsconf (the next letter will be about using hashtags).